To summarise my quick scribblings.
I think I need this as an outlet to talk about whats on my mind. I've been stuck in the house for 2 days 'attempting' to do an assessment and I think I may be going out of my mind. That and the fact I have been having period pains *boo* and that I like to whinge and complain.
Things I didn't realise about (nearly) turning 20:
1. I feel old, seriously, old
2. I feel scared
3. I still have no idea what I want to do in life...
4. I feel scared
As you may be able to tell, I am SCARED about turning 20. To some it may almost be comical, 20 isn't old I hear you say. Well, let me tell you something, as a current 19 year old and still classed as a 'teen' I think it sounds very old. Not old as in I'm ageing, (side note I have started occasionally putting on anti-wrinkle cream) but as in a 'I'm 20, I should have my shit together, I am officially an adult' old.
Since it is the start of 2016 I have decided to write down some resolutions - you know those things that people decide to do to improve their life and only 1% probably actually complete them.
In the hope that I can fit into that 1% or at least really give it my best shot, I thought writing (or typing) them down could aid in that process.
Lets go.
1. I want to be healthier. Typical New Year resolution hashtag. Sue me.
I really want to try and actually achieve this. For myself. I want to be able to look in the mirror and think 'wowza'.. okay maybe not that but I want to be able to put on a fairly tight dress and for it to look flattering. I want to not have to suck in my stomach when someone tries to take a picture of me. I want to be able to wear crop tops and think, hey my stomach isn't spilling out. Sure, I'm not obese and my BMI states 'average' or whatever the one is between underweight and overweight. I just need to do this for myself. I need to be confident in my own body. Like seriously, I'm turning 20 in less than a month, I shouldn't be worrying about feeling fat at this age. I should be worrying about what the 'plan' is for the remainder of my life (don't fret, I still worry about this too!) Anyway, to conclude I'd like to actually go on my lovely holiday to Menorca in September, with my family and my boyfriend and feel confident to wear a bikini. Not a M&S magic tummy flattering all in one swimsuit like last September. I shouldn't have to and I'm determined to eat healthier and actually EXERCISE. Like my lovely boyfriend Dan pointed out earlier this evening, I should be able to run for 2 minutes and not actually start gasping for my inhaler. Seriously, this happened, I cried, we went home. Major irony. We did not go on another run together because I was scared that I would start wheezing and struggling to breathe again...2. Try to be more positive.
Again like Dan mentioned when I"You are the only person who decides how you feel"
Or something similar to those words. Basically general gist.. 'Jenny you can't blame hormones for every time you are a moody bitch'. Unfortunately that is correct. I have been feeling pretty low lately, even around Christmas and when I got back to York I realised that I had just wasted a week feeling crap and not really appreciated spending time with my family. Hence I felt 'down' about that for a couple of days after. I seem to just find or create a reason for why I'm feeling sad, instead of realising actually you are fine. There is no need to feel like shit. You just bought Vanilla flavoured coffee to complete your collection of flavoured coffee, why would you feel down?!
3. Attempt to reduce procrastination levels
The irony of this is quite significant. Currently I have an assessment due in on Wednesday that I haven't really finished yet, I'm about 30% done. Make that 20%. I possess the amazing ability of being able to procrastinate. I'm extremely good at it. I can always, always find something else to do other than actually uni work. If there was an Olympic Sport, I would get platinum, or gold gold gold or something like that. Truly, I excel in the art of distraction. I am so able to get distracted, example being this blogpost.
4. Organise my life
A nice one to follow on from number 3, I need to stop procrastinating and get my life together. I need to stop worrying and sort my shit out. Going to keep that one short and sweet.
5. Fight anxiety, fear and all those other nasties
After having a bit of a yo yo year, or rather a shitty start to 2015, I certainly found it a struggle to stay upbeat, happy, confident, collected Jenny. The thing is, I can't really recall where that girl went. I know it sounds horrible but I remember being in high school, having this determination to do well, to succeed, be the best person ever and achieve great things. I mean (TOTAL BRAG ALERT) I achieved 1 A*, 12 A's and come on, I still think thats pretty impressive. Unfortunately all that motivation has seemed to disappear since then (2012...yikes) and I need to find my mojo again. I want to really stop feeling anxious and all negative'y things or at least reduce these and start enjoying life again. I want to be that super successful business woman. I want to be happy. I want to achieve greatness. Is that too much to ask?
So in conclusion, I want to really set myself the challenge of making 2016 amazing. I want to look back in January 2017 (wow doesn't that sound all futuristic and surreal, why do I feel like it should be 2009 still or something?!) and think "yes, you did it". Or even "yes, you tried, I can do this"
That's it folks,
2016 come at me bro
(although 2016 please be nice if possible, thanks, much love)